Last one for the night I think, a glimpse into Sophomore year.
Things don't change when you close your eyes;
these crazy things don't end.
Time doesn't pass you by;
you can't just play pretend.
Even if you think
it'll be okay,
"If I close my eyes,
it'll go away."
Your problems stay right there;
they're more patient than you thought.
No need to stop and stare,
it'll take everything you've got.
To keep those big eyes peeled
through the darkness of the night.
Your heart will soon be healed;
everything will be all right.
(2005)
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Idle Words
This one is a product of Freshman year of highschool. I thought not using punctuation or capitals somehow enhanced it. We're going to cut me some slack for that because I was 14.
you may call me crazy
you can say i'm mad
but they can't be lazy
those thoughts you've never had
they sneak through when you sleep
in the middle of the night
you've never dared to peak
at all the things that might
they might truly be real
they might really be true
they might let you feel
but it's only up to you
you can call them dead
say they're idle too
their meanings can't be read
if your fears cloud your view
these idle words i speak
these strange things i cry
these things that make you weak
they live and never die
you may call me crazy
you can say i'm mad
but they can't be lazy
those thoughts you've never had
they sneak through when you sleep
in the middle of the night
you've never dared to peak
at all the things that might
they might truly be real
they might really be true
they might let you feel
but it's only up to you
you can call them dead
say they're idle too
their meanings can't be read
if your fears cloud your view
these idle words i speak
these strange things i cry
these things that make you weak
they live and never die
Walking
I just re-found my old poetry journal (a phenomenon that's closer to time-travel than anything I've found so far), so the next few posts will be glimpses into the mind of early-teen-Hillary. Brace yourself.
She thought of her hurt
and kept walking.
She thought of her pain
and kept walking.
She thought of the weather,
she thought of the rain,
she ket walking.
Past her tears,
past her memories,
past her fears
she walked.
Past her home,
past her school,
past her town
she walked.
Through her past,
through her present,
through her future
she walked.
She never stopped,
and no one knew
where she was going
or what she'd gone through.
She may have had failures,
she may have had shame,
but, through it all,
God knew her name.
(2003)
She thought of her hurt
and kept walking.
She thought of her pain
and kept walking.
She thought of the weather,
she thought of the rain,
she ket walking.
Past her tears,
past her memories,
past her fears
she walked.
Past her home,
past her school,
past her town
she walked.
Through her past,
through her present,
through her future
she walked.
She never stopped,
and no one knew
where she was going
or what she'd gone through.
She may have had failures,
she may have had shame,
but, through it all,
God knew her name.
(2003)
Monday, April 30, 2012
Planning: A Ramble
I'm reminded again and again that planning is not as helpful as I seem to think it is. In fact, it has been more hurtful than helpful recently. I'm fairly certain that every single church service/Sunday school class I've attended in the last two months has focused at least in part on the insufficiency of our plans, and I've nodded and added the appropriate "I hope to," "Lord-willing," "Maybe," etc. to all of my plans. I've basically said, "Here God, this is what I want. This is how I think I should serve you. This is how I think I can make a difference. This is how I think I can help. Want to give it the approval stamp?" and left it at that.
Of course being a social worker is the best way for me to help people! It's the hardest thing, and the hardest thing is always the best, right? The hardest thing is where the most opportunity to help is, right? And all of these people want to know what I'm doing with my life. They want me to be successful, to feel fulfilled, to change the world. They want me to give them an answer, and this one seems to do the trick. It all sounds so godly, right?
So I hopped on the educational freight train barreling towards a career in social work. The thing is, it stopped. The conductor found me and kicked me off; "You don't have the experience needed to stay on board, but you can try again next year if you still want to." So I've hopped off the train, and I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. I'm sad and a bit ashamed that they didn't want me, I feel a bit like a discovered stow-away, but frankly the train was going so fast I thought I was going to fall off.
Maybe I'm taking this metaphor too far, but I like how it fits. I honestly have no idea where God wants me right now. I know less about my "future" than I thought I did at the end of high school. Everyone around me has a grand plan, and I am working on an application to Starbucks. I know that I want to volunteer with a church and see where that goes. Every once in a while I feel like I should use my listening/counseling/empathizing skills in the church, but I don't know what that would look like. I'd like to get to know myself outside of the educational freight train and get a better idea of what God wants from and for me; for now that is my plan.
/end ramble.
Of course being a social worker is the best way for me to help people! It's the hardest thing, and the hardest thing is always the best, right? The hardest thing is where the most opportunity to help is, right? And all of these people want to know what I'm doing with my life. They want me to be successful, to feel fulfilled, to change the world. They want me to give them an answer, and this one seems to do the trick. It all sounds so godly, right?
So I hopped on the educational freight train barreling towards a career in social work. The thing is, it stopped. The conductor found me and kicked me off; "You don't have the experience needed to stay on board, but you can try again next year if you still want to." So I've hopped off the train, and I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. I'm sad and a bit ashamed that they didn't want me, I feel a bit like a discovered stow-away, but frankly the train was going so fast I thought I was going to fall off.
Maybe I'm taking this metaphor too far, but I like how it fits. I honestly have no idea where God wants me right now. I know less about my "future" than I thought I did at the end of high school. Everyone around me has a grand plan, and I am working on an application to Starbucks. I know that I want to volunteer with a church and see where that goes. Every once in a while I feel like I should use my listening/counseling/empathizing skills in the church, but I don't know what that would look like. I'd like to get to know myself outside of the educational freight train and get a better idea of what God wants from and for me; for now that is my plan.
/end ramble.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
I haven't been writing much
Lately all of my writing has been either academic or in a journal. I'd like to start writing more, but the next 7 weeks or so are dedicated to my thesis. If I remember that I have this, I may just document my thesis process! Exciting for you all, you get to watch me go insane!
In all actuality, I will be fine. I get to research emotional intelligence (hooray!) and domestic violence (depressing!) and their relationship (obscure but hopefully positive!), and a research study to the universe. I'd like to run/manage/operate/supervise/be the boss-lady at an agency that provides batterer intervention classes and counseling, and I'd like to teach some classes/counsel clients while I'm at it. My thesis should at least give me valuable experience in that field.
Other things to look forward to on the Hillablog:
-Grad school updates
-Random thoughts (possibly as poems, likely as verbal vomit)
-Ukulele-learning updates (if I get back to that as I plan to)
-Tattoo-ponderings (sure, my tattoos are "old" news, but I've been thinking about them a lot)
Now to actually write my papers.
In all actuality, I will be fine. I get to research emotional intelligence (hooray!) and domestic violence (depressing!) and their relationship (obscure but hopefully positive!), and a research study to the universe. I'd like to run/manage/operate/supervise/be the boss-lady at an agency that provides batterer intervention classes and counseling, and I'd like to teach some classes/counsel clients while I'm at it. My thesis should at least give me valuable experience in that field.
Other things to look forward to on the Hillablog:
-Grad school updates
-Random thoughts (possibly as poems, likely as verbal vomit)
-Ukulele-learning updates (if I get back to that as I plan to)
-Tattoo-ponderings (sure, my tattoos are "old" news, but I've been thinking about them a lot)
Now to actually write my papers.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Tree Woman
It is time for me to finally
become that tree I’ve longed to be.
To let my roots grow deep and strong,
to raise my branches to the sun.
I cannot be a shield or home,
or hide in walls of brick and stone.
It is time for me to stop and see
the frailty of things unlike me.
I will not be felled or chopped
into pieces that you can use.
I will not be told that I am not
a woman of strength and value.
I will grow tall.
I will grow strong.
My strength is beautiful,
and my beauty shines in love.
Love for you, the hurting.
Love for you, the strong.
Love for my creator,
his spirit and his son.
Finally, slowly, timidly
this love returns for me.
It finds me hurting.
It finds me strong.
It finds me.
Me, the tree woman, tall and strong.
Me, with branches that reach the sun.
A tree to hold safe secrets,
and a place to hide away.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Connections, or Why I'd be an Excellent Time Lady
One of the most important things to know about me is that I thrive on connections. I love definitions, I love analogies, I love relationships, and I love time travel. Definitions shape the words they define, and the words in turn shape their definitions. Analogies bridge the gap between words and life. Relationships connect people. Time travel connects EVERYTHING.
Yes, this is a bit silly, but I love the different ways that fiction approaches the concepts of time travel. I love the way my brain stretches and twists around it. I love the notion that everything is bigger and more important than it seems. I love thinking about the impact that the tiny choices I make now might have on my life.
As always, this seemed more important before I started typing. Maybe someday it will be.
Yes, this is a bit silly, but I love the different ways that fiction approaches the concepts of time travel. I love the way my brain stretches and twists around it. I love the notion that everything is bigger and more important than it seems. I love thinking about the impact that the tiny choices I make now might have on my life.
As always, this seemed more important before I started typing. Maybe someday it will be.
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