I haven't been writing much

Lately all of my writing has been either academic or in a journal. I'd like to start writing more, but the next 7 weeks or so are dedicated to my thesis. If I remember that I have this, I may just document my thesis process! Exciting for you all, you get to watch me go insane!

In all actuality, I will be fine. I get to research emotional intelligence (hooray!) and domestic violence (depressing!) and their relationship (obscure but hopefully positive!), and a research study to the universe. I'd like to run/manage/operate/supervise/be the boss-lady at an agency that provides batterer intervention classes and counseling, and I'd like to teach some classes/counsel clients while I'm at it. My thesis should at least give me valuable experience in that field.

Other things to look forward to on the Hillablog:
-Grad school updates
-Random thoughts (possibly as poems, likely as verbal vomit)
-Ukulele-learning updates (if I get back to that as I plan to)
-Tattoo-ponderings (sure, my tattoos are "old" news, but I've been thinking about them a lot)

Now to actually write my papers.

Tree Woman

It is time for me to finally

become that tree I’ve longed to be.

To let my roots grow deep and strong,

to raise my branches to the sun.

I cannot be a shield or home,

or hide in walls of brick and stone.

It is time for me to stop and see

the frailty of things unlike me.

I will not be felled or chopped

into pieces that you can use.

I will not be told that I am not

a woman of strength and value.

I will grow tall.

I will grow strong.

My strength is beautiful,

and my beauty shines in love.

Love for you, the hurting.

Love for you, the strong.

Love for my creator,

his spirit and his son.

Finally, slowly, timidly

this love returns for me.

It finds me hurting.

It finds me strong.

It finds me.

Me, the tree woman, tall and strong.

Me, with branches that reach the sun.

A tree to hold safe secrets,

and a place to hide away.

Connections, or Why I'd be an Excellent Time Lady

One of the most important things to know about me is that I thrive on connections. I love definitions, I love analogies, I love relationships, and I love time travel. Definitions shape the words they define, and the words in turn shape their definitions. Analogies bridge the gap between words and life. Relationships connect people. Time travel connects EVERYTHING.

Yes, this is a bit silly, but I love the different ways that fiction approaches the concepts of time travel. I love the way my brain stretches and twists around it. I love the notion that everything is bigger and more important than it seems. I love thinking about the impact that the tiny choices I make now might have on my life.

As always, this seemed more important before I started typing. Maybe someday it will be.

Wait

Go away, please go away;
I can't scream with you here next to me.
Go away, just go away;
I can't cry I don't want you to see.

Can't you see that I don't want to talk?
Is your head as hard as a rock?
Your kindness makes the pain so much worse;
what you're saying is sweet, but it feels too rehearsed.
It's like you don't even know who I am.

I can't explain
what it is that makes me feel this way.
But I'll try, to explain
why I feel like this day after day.

It isn't one single event,
my heart isn't broken or bent.
I always fall for nice guys so it's hard not to cry
when I'm not what they're looking for.
So I wait, and I wait and hope for twists of fate,
for a prince to come knock on my door.

But I'm tired of waiting and waiting for you.
I'm tired of waiting, not knowing for whom.
I'm sick of these tears that ceaselessly fall.
I feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall.

Go ahead, yes go ahead.
Say, "Just give it a little more time."
Go ahead, I know you're right,
and I'll give it a little more time.

Peace

Peace is...

a warm safe bed,

a grinning dog,

a pat on the head,

an abandoned log,

your favorite book by the fireplace,

a hearty laugh from a

familiar face.

Loneliness

Lonliness is...

an empty house,

a crowded room,

an unlit candle,

an open book,

an unreturned smile,

a haunting stare,

a flickering screen,

a silent scream.

Love Me Too

Hey there, it’s your friend here,
wishing you could open up your eyes and see me.
See me, and understand that
I’m just standing here wanting you to love me too

I know that that can’t happen
At least not quite yet so
I’ll just stand here and hope someday
You will realize you love me too

Until that wish comes true
And even if it never does
I want to just be your friend
Don’t want to screw things up with these words...

I like you even as friends
I’m just lonely here and wishing for more
I want someone, someone somewhere
To look at me and suddenly know that

I’m all that he’s looking for
And I guess I hoped that someone’d be you
But don’t worry about me
You’re not the first friend that’s made me confused

And for now I’ll just stand here
Content to be your friend
and secretly hoping
you'll love me too.