Planning: A Ramble

I'm reminded again and again that planning is not as helpful as I seem to think it is. In fact, it has been more hurtful than helpful recently. I'm fairly certain that every single church service/Sunday school class I've attended in the last two months has focused at least in part on the insufficiency of our plans, and I've nodded and added the appropriate "I hope to," "Lord-willing," "Maybe," etc. to all of my plans. I've basically said, "Here God, this is what I want. This is how I think I should serve you. This is how I think I can make a difference. This is how I think I can help. Want to give it the approval stamp?" and left it at that.

Of course being a social worker is the best way for me to help people! It's the hardest thing, and the hardest thing is always the best, right? The hardest thing is where the most opportunity to help is, right? And all of these people want to know what I'm doing with my life. They want me to be successful, to feel fulfilled, to change the world. They want me to give them an answer, and this one seems to do the trick. It all sounds so godly, right?

So I hopped on the educational freight train barreling towards a career in social work. The thing is, it stopped. The conductor found me and kicked me off; "You don't have the experience needed to stay on board, but you can try again next year if you still want to." So I've hopped off the train, and I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. I'm sad and a bit ashamed that they didn't want me, I feel a bit like a discovered stow-away, but frankly the train was going so fast I thought I was going to fall off.

Maybe I'm taking this metaphor too far, but I like how it fits. I honestly have no idea where God wants me right now. I know less about my "future" than I thought I did at the end of high school. Everyone around me has a grand plan, and I am working on an application to Starbucks. I know that I want to volunteer with a church and see where that goes. Every once in a while I feel like I should use my listening/counseling/empathizing skills in the church, but I don't know what that would look like. I'd like to get to know myself outside of the educational freight train and get a better idea of what God wants from and for me; for now that is my plan.

/end ramble.

I haven't been writing much

Lately all of my writing has been either academic or in a journal. I'd like to start writing more, but the next 7 weeks or so are dedicated to my thesis. If I remember that I have this, I may just document my thesis process! Exciting for you all, you get to watch me go insane!

In all actuality, I will be fine. I get to research emotional intelligence (hooray!) and domestic violence (depressing!) and their relationship (obscure but hopefully positive!), and a research study to the universe. I'd like to run/manage/operate/supervise/be the boss-lady at an agency that provides batterer intervention classes and counseling, and I'd like to teach some classes/counsel clients while I'm at it. My thesis should at least give me valuable experience in that field.

Other things to look forward to on the Hillablog:
-Grad school updates
-Random thoughts (possibly as poems, likely as verbal vomit)
-Ukulele-learning updates (if I get back to that as I plan to)
-Tattoo-ponderings (sure, my tattoos are "old" news, but I've been thinking about them a lot)

Now to actually write my papers.

Tree Woman

It is time for me to finally

become that tree I’ve longed to be.

To let my roots grow deep and strong,

to raise my branches to the sun.

I cannot be a shield or home,

or hide in walls of brick and stone.

It is time for me to stop and see

the frailty of things unlike me.

I will not be felled or chopped

into pieces that you can use.

I will not be told that I am not

a woman of strength and value.

I will grow tall.

I will grow strong.

My strength is beautiful,

and my beauty shines in love.

Love for you, the hurting.

Love for you, the strong.

Love for my creator,

his spirit and his son.

Finally, slowly, timidly

this love returns for me.

It finds me hurting.

It finds me strong.

It finds me.

Me, the tree woman, tall and strong.

Me, with branches that reach the sun.

A tree to hold safe secrets,

and a place to hide away.

Connections, or Why I'd be an Excellent Time Lady

One of the most important things to know about me is that I thrive on connections. I love definitions, I love analogies, I love relationships, and I love time travel. Definitions shape the words they define, and the words in turn shape their definitions. Analogies bridge the gap between words and life. Relationships connect people. Time travel connects EVERYTHING.

Yes, this is a bit silly, but I love the different ways that fiction approaches the concepts of time travel. I love the way my brain stretches and twists around it. I love the notion that everything is bigger and more important than it seems. I love thinking about the impact that the tiny choices I make now might have on my life.

As always, this seemed more important before I started typing. Maybe someday it will be.

Wait

Go away, please go away;
I can't scream with you here next to me.
Go away, just go away;
I can't cry I don't want you to see.

Can't you see that I don't want to talk?
Is your head as hard as a rock?
Your kindness makes the pain so much worse;
what you're saying is sweet, but it feels too rehearsed.
It's like you don't even know who I am.

I can't explain
what it is that makes me feel this way.
But I'll try, to explain
why I feel like this day after day.

It isn't one single event,
my heart isn't broken or bent.
I always fall for nice guys so it's hard not to cry
when I'm not what they're looking for.
So I wait, and I wait and hope for twists of fate,
for a prince to come knock on my door.

But I'm tired of waiting and waiting for you.
I'm tired of waiting, not knowing for whom.
I'm sick of these tears that ceaselessly fall.
I feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall.

Go ahead, yes go ahead.
Say, "Just give it a little more time."
Go ahead, I know you're right,
and I'll give it a little more time.

Peace

Peace is...

a warm safe bed,

a grinning dog,

a pat on the head,

an abandoned log,

your favorite book by the fireplace,

a hearty laugh from a

familiar face.

Loneliness

Lonliness is...

an empty house,

a crowded room,

an unlit candle,

an open book,

an unreturned smile,

a haunting stare,

a flickering screen,

a silent scream.