I'm reminded again and again that planning is not as helpful as I seem to think it is. In fact, it has been more hurtful than helpful recently. I'm fairly certain that every single church service/Sunday school class I've attended in the last two months has focused at least in part on the insufficiency of our plans, and I've nodded and added the appropriate "I hope to," "Lord-willing," "Maybe," etc. to all of my plans. I've basically said, "Here God, this is what I want. This is how I think I should serve you. This is how I think I can make a difference. This is how I think I can help. Want to give it the approval stamp?" and left it at that.
Of course being a social worker is the best way for me to help people! It's the hardest thing, and the hardest thing is always the best, right? The hardest thing is where the most opportunity to help is, right? And all of these people want to know what I'm doing with my life. They want me to be successful, to feel fulfilled, to change the world. They want me to give them an answer, and this one seems to do the trick. It all sounds so godly, right?
So I hopped on the educational freight train barreling towards a career in social work. The thing is, it stopped. The conductor found me and kicked me off; "You don't have the experience needed to stay on board, but you can try again next year if you still want to." So I've hopped off the train, and I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. I'm sad and a bit ashamed that they didn't want me, I feel a bit like a discovered stow-away, but frankly the train was going so fast I thought I was going to fall off.
Maybe I'm taking this metaphor too far, but I like how it fits. I honestly have no idea where God wants me right now. I know less about my "future" than I thought I did at the end of high school. Everyone around me has a grand plan, and I am working on an application to Starbucks. I know that I want to volunteer with a church and see where that goes. Every once in a while I feel like I should use my listening/counseling/empathizing skills in the church, but I don't know what that would look like. I'd like to get to know myself outside of the educational freight train and get a better idea of what God wants from and for me; for now that is my plan.
/end ramble.
